


Barry Bluejeans, Space Necromancer

by ScaredyCrow



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Anxious Thoughts, Balance Arc, Crush at First Sight, First Meetings, Gen, IPRE, Necromancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 11:05:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17303465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScaredyCrow/pseuds/ScaredyCrow
Summary: Sildar Hallwinter is selected to be part of the IPRE's planar research mission due to his knowledge of necromancy. Too bad he doesn't really look the part.Or: Sildar meets a cute girl, gets roasted, and acquires a new name





	Barry Bluejeans, Space Necromancer

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to sit down and write a "Barry seems normal at first but he's actually super weird" fic, but I got sidetracked and wrote a "How Sildar Hallwinter became Barry Bluejeans" fic. Whoops?

Sildar Hallwinter sat hunched over his lunch tray in the IPRE cafeteria, trying to make himself invisible. He’d already made a fool of himself in the lunch line (“You too!” he’d said to the lunchperson who had handed him his tray and told him to enjoy his lunch. Rookie mistake. Nice going, Hallwinter) and he just wanted to finish eating so he could leave this _very crowded room._

A voice in the cacophony caught his attention, and Sildar tuned into that conversation as he kept scarfing down (limp, unimpressive) fries.

“-pparently the healer’s kinda flaky, but they can’t replace him because he’s, like, the best plant expert on the planet? So they’re trying to find another science nerd who can be like, healer-adjacent or-”

“Because you suck at healing,” someone interjected.

“We’re both wizards, dipshit, we don’t have healing spells.”

“Agree to disagree. All I’m saying is that _someone_ tried to be a cleric once and ended up vanishing their left tibia instead of mending it, and it wasn’t m-”

“Anyway! They’re having a super hard time finding someone who knows bond science well enough to be useful _and_ can cast a decent healing spell.”

At this point the owners of the voices, who had been walking in Sildar’s direction, crossed into his field of vision. Sildar promptly choked on a stray fry.

It was those fucking elves. He didn’t know their names, but he’d seen them enough to know they were closed-off, incredibly talented, and _intimidatingly, unfairly attractive_. The moment they stepped into a room, Sildar’s ability to speak and be a normal rational being flew right out the window. They were two of the people going on the planar exploration mission, which meant they were some of the most competent people on the planet. They were also known to be huge dicks, as evidenced when one of them turned to look at him as he continued coughing and choking on a fantasy french fry.

“Been eating long, my man? You’re supposed to chew, _then_ swallow, _then_ breathe,” the elf drawled.

Barry tried to suppress his coughing, face bright red. The other elf stepped up next to their sibling(?) and elbowed them sharply in the side, hissing, “Taako come on, be cool.”

The first elf (Taako, apparently) gave their sibling a suspicious, searching look for a moment. Whatever they gleaned from their insight check, they didn’t feel the need to share with the rest of the class. They rolled their eyes and turned to continue walking away. “Gross. I suddenly don’t want to be part of what’s happening here. Taako’s out.”

The other elf rolled their eyes and gave Sildar an apologetic grin before turning to follow their sibling(?).

Sildar remained frozen for a moment, stunned by their smile, but then his brain kicked into overdrive. Wait, he couldn’t let the elves leave, he had to- “Wait!” he blurted out, standing up abruptly.

Most of the people around him went quiet. Oh, shit, he’d said that too loud, hadn’t he? And he’d made such a sudden, jerky movement, of course he’d gotten everyone’s attention. Oh jeez, oh no. At least he’d achieved his goal, as both elves stopped and looked back at him with a sort of amused, detached curiosity.

“I uh,” Sildar stammered, still berating himself for making it weird, “I’m the n-new. Um.” He took a deep breath and stuck his hand out. “I’m the new member of the planar exploration mission. They j-just selected me this morning. We’re going to be coworkers.”

That definitely got the elves attention. Taako approached Sildar for a second time, ignoring his outstretched hand and leaning uncomfortably far into his personal bubble to inspect him. Most of the people who had turned when Sildar spoke lost interest after both elves stepped back into melee range and it became clear they wouldn’t hear much more of the conversation.

Taako made an exaggerated thinking expression as they continued putting their face right in front of Sildar's, while the other, still unnamed, elf gave him a thorough once over and casually swiped a few of the remaining fries. After a few moments of investigation-slash-intimidation, both elves spoke at once.

“What’s your name, thug?”

“So you’re a healer?”

Sildar decided he should get the healer question out of the way first, wouldn’t want any false assumptions. He put a hand up to shoo Taako out of his personal space and began, “Oh, I’m uh, I’m barely-”

“Barry, huh?” Taako said, brushing Sildar's hand away but putting some distance between them regardless.

“No, that’s-”

“That’s a pretty dope name,” the unnamed elf interrupted.

Sildar’s brain short circuited. The unfairly attractive elf… complimented him? He kicked back into gear and realized he’d paused for a second too long. Quick, Sildar, they complimented you, the proper response is- “Thanks.”

They grinned at him and jabbed their thumb at Taako. “This is my twin brother, Taako Lup. I’m his twin sister, Lup Taako.”

Sildar blinked at their switched last names, but filed it away for later investigation. At least he finally knew their names and pronouns. He knew an elf’s clothes and ear piercings typically indicated their gender presentation, but he wasn’t well-versed enough in it to be sure he was reading them correctly. It was good to have confirmation.

“So Barold,” Taako said. Wait, shit, name, fuck. “You’re a healer? Don’t look like much of a cleric.”

“He could have a few levels in bard, he’s got good hands for piano,” Lup said, grabbing his hand and inspecting it before showing it to Taako as evidence.

“Great, just what we need, a fucking bard and his hugeass piano on that tiny ship,” Taako groused.

“Actually, I’m uh, not technically a healer. And definitely not a bard,” Sildar piped up. He tried not to be too visibly flustered that Lup was holding his hand. Damn it, get it together, Hallwinter! Stop being such a creep, it’s just platonic physical touch.

The twins looked at him in confusion.

“Alright, but uh, no offense Barry m’dude, if you’re not a healer, what are you?” Lup asked, dropping his hand.

Sildar rubbed the back of his neck. “I mean, I’m kind of a healer if you think about it? I’m like… a really late healer. In case the actual healer, you know, sucks. I’m a necromancer.”

Both elves stared at him in shock, mouths agape. Sildar was used to it though and just let them have a moment to process.

“ _You’re_ a necromancer?” Taako blurted out. “You look like a 4th grade PE teacher.”

“You look like you sat in a room on a chair eating fantasy saltine crackers for, like, forty years, and then you just walked out into the cafeteria,” Lup added.

“You look like someone pressed randomize on an accountant generator.”

“You look like-

“I look like a pair of bluejeans fucked Tom Arnold, I know,” Sildar broke in.

“Ha! Nice one, Barry!” Lup crowed. Taako smirked and nodded his approval.

A small chiming noise came from Lup’s pocket. She pulled out her fantasy flip phone (cutting-edge tech) and glanced at it for a moment. “Duty calls,” she announces. “They want us to review some of the electroarcane circuitry, make sure it’s not going to interfere with the bond engine during flight. It was nice meeting you, Barry! We’ll see you next week when we get to officially meet everyone.”

Taako held up one hand in a little jaunty wave. “Later, Bluejeans.”

As they left, Sildar heard the telltale sound of a barely contained snort. He turned just in time to see the one other crew member he’d met before, Lucretia, hurrying past with her head in a clipboard, somehow scribbling words down while expertly maneuvering the crowded cafeteria. He caught her eye as she passed, and she smiled and winked at him. She must have heard what Taako and Lup called him.

Sildar had a feeling that Lucretia would remember this.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!
> 
> I'm going to make "their names are Taako Lup and Lup Taako" happen if I have to do it entirely on my own. [Here is the original post about it!](http://sepulchritude.tumblr.com/post/180419355578/starlistic-sepulchritude-sepulchritude-i)
> 
> I plan to write a second chapter for this where we actually see Barry being his weird necromantic self. Until then, thanks for reading!


End file.
